115 Wednesdays: Where I count down until Jordan goes to college – or work- or whatever…
It’s 9pm-ish, I’m in the kitchen, doing dishes, pretending to be busy but really, I’m hovering… like, I just want to be near him but not in his space. Thoughts are unusually deep about him leaving and life changing.
He yells, “MOM! Come quick and hold this light for me so I can take a picture!”
And I turn the corner to the bathroom and see his shadow.
“Um… wait a minute. I need to take a photo first” and I snap the shot (I have no idea where he gets it from ;-)).
I spend a few minutes holding an iphone flashlight while he plays with shadows on his face and takes photos for his production company website.
But for me, the large shadow on the door spoke volumes as I continue to be surprised by the process of letting go…
He got salutatorian so he’ll give a speech at graduation.
He ended up the chess tournament champion at the school.
He isn’t going to college. He’s going to California to pursue film making. As a freelancer.
He was informed of a TV show looking for interns in Utah and is putting his name out there.
He is, as I write, at home from school reading a book and preparing his speech, and finishing videos.
His life feels so much larger than I remember. Like all the light is being cast on him now and whatever shadow he casts, is what becomes his life.
He’s so much brighter, and larger, and solid than I ever even dreamed. I often say he’s my favorite person on the planet because I just love who he is – with no agenda, no demands, no requirements of what “success” looks like this coming year.
I release him and myself from those culturally driven demands. He has to have room for mistakes and learning, and trying and believing.
You know how I know this?
Because when I was 17, I left Connecticut with 2 suitcases to go to a college where I was accepted but never visited in North Carolina.
I understand the “WHAT am I doing?” mixed with “I have to do this now or I never will” combined with parents and grandparents who believed in me.
So, there is this shadow looming of great change and ultimately, he’s the one holding the light, and I get the honor of watching it unfold.
YES I’m crying every day.
YES it’s going to be hard, but there is no great option. Either he ventures out to be who he is, or he wilts and lives the status quo out of fear or apathy.
To me, that’s worse.
I raised him with this season in mind. I dreamed, visioned, prayed, allowed and parented with the knowledge that he would face all these decisions and challenges.
The truth is, no decision is fool proof, nothing guaranteed. He may be home in 6 months. He may be on a big budget runway shoot. He may go sideways and end up homeless with a beer can in his hand (which I have already told him to either come home or I will use my sonar to find him. Don’t test me.)
He knows so much. He knows so little. ;-)
I actually have no regrets. Not one.
I’m actually done now. Because I’m fighting back tears.
And this is why I can’t do a video this week.
And I will next week but I’ll probably cry then too.
It’s all real now. And it’s all more amazing than I ever imagined.
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