IMG_5544GPDear Gwyneth Paltrow,

Hey! Thanks for hanging out! Okay… here’s a cup of Folgers and I’m confiscating your French press while we chat about what happened here. Carnation milk?

If I was in your shoes, I would have been very tempted to hire a nanny until my one son was 20, so if you truly are gutting this out day in and day out,  you are taking time off to be a mom. You DON’T have to do this!  Seriously, even if you do have a nanny,  we extend mom tribe status, but you don’t get to say a thing about the moms who don’t have nannies, unless you start a site about renting nannies for super low cost.  Or hiring nannies for us. Here’s my number. I have four more years. Call me.

Secondly , your whole website- goop? Veeeeerrry niiiice!

You DON’T have to do this either!  If you are actually putting in your own time into this (cut and paste images, writing the copy, inserting it, links, etc.) , it officially puts you in the “Work-At-Home-Mom” category, and “Blogger” category, so don’t let them push you around there either. Hey, link to me, will ya?

Here’s a refresher on that Folgers and Carnation milk.

Your publicist is obviously not a mom, and you may not realize you’re already in the tribe, so we need to chat about Mom-ness in general.

1) You know the mom-rant, “This sucks. I need a break. I need to be there but I can’t. I feel guilty.” thing? Talk about that. That’s what makes you one of us. If you don’t have it, hang with your kids without a break for two weeks straight in the summer, you’ll feel it. If you still don’t, add on a few of their friends for sleepovers. Make the bedtime midnight and serve food with sugar in it.

You’ll feel it.

And when you do, you’ll realize… It doesn’t matter why your suck-iness is better/ worse than our suck-iness. It just doesn’t. Your deck of cards is not ours, for whatever reason. We’re okay with that.  Normally, we don’t care.  It sucks for you, we get that.

We would like the reciprocity.

Actually, no. No reciprocity. Just don’t bring up any comparisons.

2) The  thing actually deeply respects where we all are – as long as there’s no comparisons. You never ever get to say why your situation is worse than anyone else’s.

On our island, it’s all tough.

It’s all sleep deprivation until they are 15 years old. It’s all making every penny stretch. It’s all late night yelling with your hubby hoping the kids don’t hear. It’s all wanting to go for organic but then driving over to Sonic for a freeze after school. (Do that, let the paps catch you, and you are SO FORGIVEN for everything.)

3) For pete’s sake and for the love of goop, don’t apologize on this one. Not only do we not care, we won’t believe you right now.

Work it this way: let the paps get photos of you gutting it out with your kids. Yell at them. Let one make a horrible face at you. Don’t put make up on because it was an all nighter because one of them was sick. Then, before your next movie comes out, tell us how it’s so hard doing the single mom thing, and how you give us all credit. Add a freebie giveaway of your favorite upscale, organic, sustainably farmed chocolate to the first million moms on your site and you’re really forgiven. Problem solved.

More Folgers?

4) I get that we shouldn’t care, but we do because your platform is bigger than ours and you just made it look like you’re better/ work harder/ have it worse that we do and well, you kiiiiiinda don’t. Refer back to the suck-iness thing previously stated. This island’s main membership rule, beyond having kid(s) in your house at least two days a week, is no one-upping (saying it’s worse for you).

Here’s your litmus test for our island and tribe… (swear on your French-press coffee with Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee):

Do you at any given point

have a fleeting moment

if you could just find a tribe on a south pacific ocean island without washing machines

that is in need of training one coconut gatherer

that you would gladly fill that position

and never look back?

And then you  feel utterly guilty that you ever thought that.

If you are in that boat, you are in our tribe.

Here’s how it works,

“Gwyneth Paltrow you sexy momma you! Congrats on just getting signed on as the new face of a skin care line!  ROCK ON!!!  I’m thinking you’re taking that around school hours. But just in case you get into a jam,  let us know if we can get your kids for you. Also, there’s a meal swap if you want in (we make for your fam, you make for ours). And, if you want to know when the single moms are getting together for a playdate, I can steer you in that direction. The whole CM thing – we’re on your side, just FYI. So, on the days you want to rip his hair off his head, say “Screw uncoupling!!!” but are afraid the media will hear you, or just truly do want a nap because you’re drained from another legal squabble, call us. We’ve got your back.”

‘Cause that’s how we do for each other.

3:00… gotta go to get my son. He is so driving next year.

Here’s your French press back, and a few biscotti for the road.

You’ve got this. And when you don’t, you’ve got us.

In Joy,  Vikki

(Coconut Gatherer in training)